Meditation makes me boring
A few years ago I hit rock bottom. Like total darkness, ground zero, no way out, bottom. Luckily, I reached out and got the professional help I needed.
Prior to seeking help, I’d started meditating. Even if that in itself wasn’t the answer to everything in my case, it sure did help a lot. I don’t think I would’ve had the guts to speak up about my problems if it wasn’t for meditation.
Brought up with the Swedish Law of Jante and sayings like “själv är bäste dräng” (one’s self is the best farmhand), asking for help was out of the question. I’ve got this, I tried to convince myself. In reality, I just kept sinking lower and lower...
During and after treatment, I kept up with meditation. And I still do, but not in the way I started out. These days I don’t really think of it as meditating.
I just try to include moments of heightened awareness during the day. It might be something as simple as waiting for the bus, or not checking my phone while having a coffee. I don’t use a dedicated meditation app, but I sometimes use the built-in breathing feature on my watch.
Every now and then I go deeper into meditation, and I don’t mean it in a positive way. I get these ideas about what it means to be “awake”. I start removing things from my life, things I actually enjoy, thinking they’re not “spiritual” enough.
I start reading books one “should read” instead of books I actually like. I begin listening to talks by “real teachers”. I start writing in ways that don’t even sound like me.
In short, I get boring and quite pathetic.
It’s very easy to get caught in this trap. Meditation is a wonderful thing, and we quickly notice how beneficial it is. Soon we’re preaching it to everyone, no matter if they seem interested or not.
Meditation has become our identity. We are meditators with a capital M, and we want everyone to know.
We sit down with the Autobiography of a Yogi, and even though we’re sitting on a normal chair, we sit in lotus position. Because lately, we’ve realized that “this is actually how I prefer sitting”, no matter if the furniture is meant for it or not.
We’ve gone too far without realizing it. We’re trying to be something we’re not. We have become boring meditators.
I will continue my practice, if you even can call it that. It’s been a lifesaver, and still is.
Give it a try if you haven’t already, just don’t get boring. That’s the whole practice, really.