Trying not to hit delete
Lately I’ve been experimenting with making a new ultra-minimal theme for my blog. I’ve also been doing some writing in Swedish, and played with the idea of starting a blog in Swedish.
All this seems familiar somehow. Like I’ve seen it somewhere before. Ah, right, it’s the pattern that comes right before I delete my blog.
I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve done it in the past. And not once have I been able to give a true answer to why I’ve done it. Not because I’m hiding it, but because I really don’t know.
I have answers and explanations each time, both to myself and others, but they never really feel honest, not even to myself. It’s just something I come up with. Something that could be true, something that makes sense, because a why needs a because.
I’ve been giving it a lot of thought over the last couple of days. Trying to find the real answer, and maybe this is it:
Believing and expecting blogging to be something it’s not. A substitute for something missing, or an escape from something that hasn’t been given the attention it deserves. An escape and a longing for home at the same time, in all its contradictions.
Or maybe it’s just me overanalyzing things. Again.
One positive development in the midst of it all, though, is that I haven’t hit “Delete” on this blog yet. Hooray for that!
Will it last? No idea.